“I got lucky. She was an easy baby.”
We’ve all heard that one at some point or another, right? But what exactly does that mean? When someone calls a child an “easy baby,” what they’re really saying is the baby was quick to learn to self-regulate. Some parents, though, have children that take longer to sleep through the night, are harder to wean from breast feeding, and are tougher to soothe when they’re crying. As they get older, this difficulty might show up in the form of tantrums, accidentally playing too roughly on the playground, or having trouble sitting still in school. This doesn’t mean those parents are doing anything different or wrong; it simply means some children need more help and more time when it comes to self-regulating — the process of being able to manage their emotions, behaviors, and bodily movements on their own.
The good news is, self-regulation is a skill that can be improved throughout life, and as a parent, you have the most power to help your child do just that. Here are some tips:
Check in with yourself first.
Humans (and other primates) have what are called mirror neurons, and it’s believed that they are part of what helps us have empathy for others. Mirror neurons fire not only when a person acts, but also when a person observes someone else performing an act, coding the action in the brain as if the person themselves were actually doing what they were witnessing. What does this mean for parenting? The actions you show your child can help improve (or impair) your relationship and improve (or impair) your child’s ability to self-regulate. For example, when your child is bouncing off the walls and not listening, the last thing that comes naturally is to be calm and relaxed, but that’s exactly what he or she will need at that point. To get the best response from your child, make sure you take a moment to check in with yourself. If you react from a place of frustration and anger, you’ll get a mirrored response. On the other hand, if you come from a place of support and love, you can literally change the way your child’s brain reacts, too.
Remember to co-regulate.
If your child isn’t self-regulating on her own, then she probably isn’t able to yet. This means, we can’t just tell kids what to do, we need to show them. Join in whatever they’re doing, be it playing a game, screeching with glee, or singing a song, and then, help them to bring their energy up or down in a controlled way. How do we do this? Read on for step three.
Practice repetitive movement.
Think about how we naturally soothe a baby: We bounce, we rock. Repetitive movements such as those help children learn to regulate. Some ways to incorporate repetitive movement at home are with toys such as trampolines and jump ropes or games, such as Simon Says and Red Light, Green Light. You can even build an indoor obstacle course (it’s super simple, promise)! Remember, though: It’s not enough to just tell your kids to go jump rope or play a game; you have to do it with them, while being in your own state of regulated calmness. When your child is doing an activity, help them get into a rhythm by counting aloud as they jump around, for example. Exercise has the added benefit of releasing dopamine, too.
Put on some music.
Besides bouncing and rocking, we also soothe babies (and other little ones) by singing to them. Music inherently has rhythmic and repetitive qualities to it — there’s a reason so many kids are obsessed with the song “Baby Shark.” When kids sing in rhythm with a song, it soothes their nervous system. With music, you can join in to add the benefit of co-regulation, and you can add movement through dance. Music and rhythm can be especially helpful to use with children who have ADHD because it also helps build focus. Here are a few of our favorite song and dance tracks: Peanut Butter in a Cup, The Sid Shuffle, Shake Your Sillies Out, and Dinosaur Stomp.
There are infinite ways to help your child self-regulate, but they key is to connect with them and be regulated yourself. Children learn the most when they’re playing, so join in and have fun!